If We Fly: A What If Novel Read online

  “Are you sure you want them in the mural, then?”

  “I’ve always liked them.” I recall the plush raven Cole won for me at a carnival game booth a lifetime ago. Whatever happened to it? “They’re intelligent, and they have a strong social structure. They mate for life.”

  “Certain men could take a lesson from them.” Vanessa’s lips twitch and she takes a sip of her latte. “Hey, I wanted to find out when I can take you out to celebrate your birthday. I know it was yesterday, but I had an…uh, appointment.”

  “An appointment?” I eye her with interest. “With a certain handsome police officer?”

  Two pink spots color her cheeks. “Nathan and I might have had dinner last night.”

  “Wow. From coffee to dinner in less than a week? I’m impressed.”

  She nudges me in the arm. “What about your end of the bargain? Did you make a friend?”

  “I tried and failed.” I twist my mouth, thinking of Charlotte the librarian who turned down my ‘let’s hang out’ offer. “I’ll try again.”

  “Please do. And if you’re free tonight, do you want to go over to that new Mexican restaurant in Benton? I heard they have great daiquiris.”

  “Sure. Thanks.”

  “I’ll text you.” She nods toward the mural. “Really nice work. I might have to attend the unveiling ceremony after all.”

  She waves and starts toward the street corner.

  “Vanessa.”

  She turns, her eyebrows lifted. Anxiety ripples down my spine.

  “Do you remember a keychain Dad once had?” I tighten my grip on the paintbrush. “The letter B Teddy had made in woodshop.”

  Her forehead creases. “I think so. Why?”

  “There’s a picture of all of us at the inn right before the accident,” I explain. “I was holding the keychain. I was just wondering what happened to it.”

  “I haven’t seen it.” A shadow passes over her features. “We got all the personal stuff back from the police or the impound lot. The keychain is probably in the same box.”

  “Where is all that?”

  “Either it got thrown out, or it’s in the basement.” She shrugs. “I don’t know. I didn’t go through any of it. Why are you asking?”

  “Just curious.” I force out a breath. “Hey, do you mind if I borrow your car this afternoon?”

  “Sure. I’ll drop it off after my appointment and walk home. I need the exercise.”

  “Thanks. Call me when you’re done and let me know how everything is going.”

  After she leaves, I continue painting the birds. I can’t get the image of the photograph out of my mind, as if it’s been burned there. Why do I not remember holding my father’s big, unwieldy keychain? Why do I not remember giving the keys to Cole before we left the restaurant?

  For ten years, posing for that photo and the snap of the shutter has been my last memory of that night until I woke up in the hospital, wounded and shattered. I remember the smell of wildflowers, the weight of my mother’s arm around me, the noise from the lingering guests.

  Then it’s like I leapt off a cliff into a black, empty void.

  How do I not remember the fucking keychain?

  My father carried it everywhere. It had all his keys—house, car, office, garage. When the car key was in the ignition, the wooden letter B would almost bump against his knee, and my father hadn’t been very tall. Considering Cole’s height and the fact that his legs are so long, it must have really annoyed him when he was driving the SUV.

  A headache pushes between my eyes. I color a raven’s body with pitch-black paint. Three “unkindnesses” of ravens fly across the mural, their wings spread. Unlike crows, who tend to flap their wings, ravens soar and glide through the sky.

  “How’s the weather up there, Josie Bird?” Cole’s voice, warm and deep, slides into my blood.

  “Same as it is down there.” I set the paintbrush down and lower the lift, feeling his eyes on me as if he’s touching me.

  “You left early.” He frowns, skimming his gaze to my lips. “And you didn’t say goodbye.”

  “Couldn’t sleep, so I figured I’d get some stuff done. I left you a note that I’d take the bus back to town.” Rubbing my hands on my overalls, I drink him in—tailored navy suit and tie, perfectly starched white shirt, his hair gleaming golden-brown in the early sunlight. I want to close the distance between us, tuck my body against his, feel his strong arms close hard around me.

  Clearing my throat, I step back, conscious of people passing by. “I’m going to go out with Vanessa tonight. She wants to treat me to dinner for my birthday.”

  “Okay. I’ll be working late, so text if you need anything.” He starts toward the side door of the Snapdragon Inn. “You got your coffee? House keys? Red Lifesavers and Jolly Ranchers? Lunch money?”

  A smile nudges at my heart. “And my brand-new red backpack.”

  “Okay.” He tilts his chin to his office window five stories up. “I’ll be keeping an eye on you.”

  He winks at me and strides into the inn. I watch him go, appreciating his long legs and the breadth of his shoulders beneath his suit jacket.

  Turning away slowly, I refocus on the mural. A morning crowd starts to gather, and several people ask to paint. At one, I hang out the “Back Soon” sign and walk to Dandelion Street, where Vanessa texted me that she parked her rattling old Dodge. I take out the spare key she’d given me, and I get into the driver’s seat.

  Gripping the wheel, I pull in a long breath. After the accident, I’d struggled to do a lot of things. Even walking out of the hospital into the bright summer sunshine had flooded me with anxiety. I hadn’t been able to drive for seven months.

  I shift into gear and press the accelerator. The engine rattles as I guide the car through downtown. Harbor Street leads out of Castille and then forks off into either the backroads, which I took from the train station, or the Highway 16 on-ramp.

  My pulse increases. I choose the on-ramp.

  Finding some comfort in the fact that not a single cloud is darkening the sun, I make my way south for a distance before following the road toward the west side of Castille. The highway turns into a scenic coastal route leading to the Old Mill Bridge and several camping sites and hiking trails.

  My heart thumps against my ribs when the bridge comes into view. As I approach it, a heavy, disjointed déjà vu descends on me. I’ve been here before.

  I slam on the brakes, struggling for a breath. After pulling over to the side of the road, I get out. The road curves sharply alongside the half-moon stretch of shoreline where—

  Waves wash over the rocky beach and splash against the boulders jutting into the water. A few seagulls wander along the sand and fly overhead. It’s peaceful, tranquil, with no hint that anything traumatic has ever happened here.

  Slipping my hand into my pocket, I touch the evil-eye amulet Charlotte had given me. My shoulders tight, I cross the bridge and climb down the slope.

  Mr. Danforth stated that after getting out of the vehicle, he was able to free Ms. Mays from the passenger seat and carry her approx. fifty feet from the vehicle before contacting 911.

  I calculate the distance from the rock formation and find the spot where the police report said Cole had brought me. Kneeling, I press my hand to the ground as if the earth itself can tell me more about what happened that night.

  But there’s nothing—no sudden flash of memory, no answers, no insight. Just the waves splashing over the shore, birdsong, and the occasional car passing on the highway above.

  “Josie?”

  I turn, shading my eyes. Nathan is descending the slope, his police car parked at the curve. Beneath his hat, his expression is shadowed.

  “I saw Vanessa’s car.” He makes his way over the rocks toward me. “You okay?”

  “Yes.” Straightening, I pull my army jacket around myself against a sudden chill of ocean air. “I just…this is the first time I’ve come back here.”

  Lines crease h
is forehead. “Is there a reason you wanted to?”

  “I’m not sure.” I manage a weak smile, fidgeting with a ring on my finger. “I guess I still have questions about what happened that night.”

  A cloud darkens his face. “You want to read the police reports again?”

  “No. I almost have them memorized.” I look back at the water, which had been seeping into the SUV at a quickening rate, tipping it farther and farther into the ocean. With my parents and—

  I block the thought and turn back to Nathan. “When did you get here that night?”

  “Not long after my father did.” He frowns, his eyes narrowing. “Cole had already pulled you out of the car. Smoke was everywhere. He’d been afraid the SUV would flood or explode since he couldn’t tell how much of it was submerged. He’d started back to get your parents and brother out when we got there. My dad stopped him so the firefighters and rescue team could go in.” He pauses. “I’m guessing you still don’t remember any of it?”

  “No. After this long, I doubt I ever will.”

  “What have the doctors said?”

  “Mostly that there’s a lot they don’t know about amnesia and how the brain works. People have recovered from amnesia after thirty years, so…” I push at a stone with my foot. “I’ve learned to live with not remembering, even to consider it a blessing in some ways, but being back here has brought up a lot of questions and frustration.”

  “That must be awful.” A troubled glint appears in his eyes. “For what it’s worth, we did everything we could.”

  “I know.” I rub the back of my neck. Unease still simmers in my chest. “Is there anything else you can tell me about what happened? I mean, anything not in the police reports.”

  “Not really. Except…” He takes off his hat and drags a hand through his hair. “I mean, I don’t want to make things worse for you.”

  A humorless laugh sticks in my throat. “I don’t think that’s possible, Nathan.”

  “There are some things I’ve always wondered about.” Tension edges his jaw. “Stuff that didn’t make sense to me, and then Cole…”

  “What…” My mouth goes dry. “What about Cole?”

  “I never told anyone because…well, an accident like that…I mean, people say and do strange things, right? It probably means nothing. But since you’re…”

  At his hesitation, my instincts suddenly sharpen.

  I step toward him. “Nathan, what is it?”

  “Cole was the only one who could tell us exactly what happened, right?” Nathan tucks his hat underneath his arm and squints at the ocean as if he’s envisioning the wreck. “And from what the EMTs could determine, and what Cole said, you’d lost consciousness at the moment of impact, if not before. When my father and the EMTs were talking to him, he said you hadn’t regained consciousness at all. You’d made a sound after he got you out of the car, but you hadn’t spoken a word.”

  I nod. “I read that in the police report.”

  “Yeah.” A frown creases his forehead. “When they started taking you to the ambulance, he went after you, like he was desperate to go with you. My dad and an EMT had to hold him back. He was obviously in shock and upset, so I told him I’d stay with you. I think that’s what he was most worried about…that you might wake up and be alone. So I promised him you wouldn’t be, that I’d be there. I started back to where they had you on the stretcher. As I walked away, Cole shouted, ‘She can’t remember.’”

  I process the revelation. “He was right. I couldn’t remember.”

  “Yeah, but how did he know that?” Nathan spreads his hands out in frustration. “If you didn’t wake up at all, didn’t say a word, how did Cole know you couldn’t remember anything?”

  Silence falls, broken only by the sounds of the ocean and birds. Apprehension prickles the back of my mind.

  “I don’t know,” I finally say.

  “Look, it’s probably nothing.” Nathan shakes his head, his mouth suddenly compressing with regret. “I mean, the guy was in total shock, bleeding, devastated. He didn’t need a reason for anything he said. But the statement he gave to my father was crystal-clear down to the last detail. He never deviated from anything he said that went on the official record. So for him to make a comment that didn’t make sense…I don’t know either. Maybe I shouldn’t even have mentioned it. But with all that was going on that night, it stuck in my brain as something I didn’t understand.”

  “Did you ever ask him about it?”

  “No. I was just a rookie, and it was my dad’s investigation. I never mentioned it to him either. I thought I was making a big deal out of nothing, and then the longer time passed, the less relevant it seemed. But I never forgot it.”

  I glance at the ocean. I’ve seen the pictures of the obliterated SUV, crushed into an unrecognizable mass of metal. Despite my torment and psychic scars, I’ve never been surprised that my brain shut down out of sheer self-preservation.

  The problem is that whatever I forgot mutated into fear, phobias, and creepy artwork instead of just going away. Like my feelings for Cole never went away—they transformed in ways I still can’t fully untangle.

  “Thank you for being there,” I say. “I didn’t know you’d promised Cole you would stay with me.”

  “When you woke up, I told you he was okay.” Nathan sets his hat back on his head. “I hoped that would ease your mind a little.”

  I frown. “I didn’t wake up until I was in the hospital.”

  “You opened your eyes right before they loaded you into the ambulance,” he explains. “I guess you wouldn’t remember that either. I was holding your hand, and I told you you’d been in an accident, but we were taking care of you and that Cole was okay. You looked at me…I kind of thought you showed some recognition or understanding…and then you closed your eyes again.”

  Nathan’s face looking down at me. Angular cheekbones, wide horrified eyes, blood pooling on his skin…

  Not blood. The red, flashing police and emergency lights.

  My chest tightens. Is that what the images are? Pieces of my memory?

  “Come on.” Nathan extends his hand. “I’ll give you a police escort back to town.”

  I take his hand and follow him back up the hill. The haunted tours claim that ghosts still linger in places like this.

  An artist friend of mine who believed in ghosts once told me that earthbound spirits hover around because they haven’t yet made peace with their deaths. Or sometimes it’s because they still have a task they need to complete before they pass over. Sometimes it’s because the living haven’t yet let them go.

  All of that is silly, of course. Ghosts don’t exist.

  Do they?

  Chapter 2

  Josie

  * * *

  Though I love fucking Cole in any position, I love it the most when he’s on top of me. He pins me down with his body, hot and engulfing, pressing me into the mattress. I’m surrounded, overpowered, conquered. I can’t think of anything but him—his breath on my skin, his cock pulsing inside me, his strong hands gripping my wrists. I’m all sensations and response, my blood sizzling and nerves firing.

  “Harder.” Gliding my hands down his smooth back, I tighten my legs around his thighs. Sweet, aching tension pools in my lower body.

  His low grunt vibrates against my neck. Our skin rubs together, my naked breasts chafing against his chest, the friction hot and slick. I writhe beneath him, not wanting this to end even as my body pushes toward that final blissful pleasure.

  “Goddamn.” Letting out a long breath, he lifts himself off me. His eyes burn with lust. “Incredible.”

  “Don’t stop.”

  I tug his arms to pull him back on top of me, but instead he keeps his gaze on mine. Sea-blue eyes darkened to indigo. The air crackles. With a moan, I fist the bedcovers and buck my hips, needing to feel him in the deepest part of me.

  “Cole, I’m…”

  The pressure breaks. Explosions fire through me. I cry out,
gripping his arms and arching off the bed. Tension cords his muscles. After slowing his pace for an instant, he sinks deep inside me with a rough shout. I will never grow tired of the sight of him above me, his whole body tightening with erotic release.

  With a muttered curse, he rolls off me and flings his arm over his eyes. His chest heaves. I run a hand over my sweat-damp breasts, still trembling. He pulls me against him and presses a kiss to my temple.

  Resting my head on his chest, I gaze at the easel in the corner of the cottage sunroom. The lamps and ceiling lights reflect in the darkened picture window like huge stars.

  “I love the way we fit together.” I smooth my hand over his damp abdomen. Our bodies are like puzzle pieces, every section locking into place. No empty places. No missing parts.

  “Me too.” He tugs at a lock of my hair. “You hungry?”

  “I guess that means you are.”

  “I could eat.” He kisses my shoulder and eases up to sit on the side of the bed. “We can grab something at the pier.”

  After showering and dressing, we turn on two industrial-strength flashlights for the walk to the Water’s Edge pier. The dark isn’t quite as scary with Cole at my side, my arm tucked securely in his, but I’m still relieved when we reach the docks.

  “Did you ever work on a lobster boat again?” I nod toward the silent, shadowed boats waiting to be released the following morning.

  “No. Haven’t been on a boat in years.”

  “Not even for fun?”

  He shakes his head. Regret rises to my chest. Right before the accident, he’d been accepted for a spot on a prestigious scientific research cruise that would not only allow him to do the work he loved but also lead to bigger opportunities for grad school and his career. He’d have had to call Professor Jamison and explain why he needed to drop out.

  “Did you ever want to go back to marine sciences and ocean conservation?” I ask. “It was your first love.”

  “You were my first love.” He shoots me a half-smile.

  “Likewise.” I squeeze his arm, pleasure tingling through me. “But you know what I mean. I find it hard to believe you just stopped thinking about conservation. You had it all planned.”